You don't have to like your body.
When is it self love, and when is it toxic positivity?
When I was younger, if I was ever really naughty, and after being told off, I’d ask my mum: “Do you still love me?”
Her answer was usually this:
“I will always love you - I just don’t like you very much right now.”
As a child, this was weirdly comforting. Yes, I’d been a little shit, so it wasn’t complete comfort, but it reassured me that the one person who’s supposed to love me more than anyone, always would - despite my actions. But she wasn’t going to pretend everything was fine just for the sake of appearances.
That memory has stuck with me, and recently, it made me think about my relationship with myself and in particular, my appearance.
There are days when I don’t love my body. I don’t love my appearance. I don’t love the way I feel, look, or act. The strange thing is, there’s usually no difference between those days and the ones where I do love my body, my appearance, and the way I feel, look, and act. It’s just my brain. My wonderful, silly, positive, negative, complex, and sometimes irrational brain.
There’s a viral quote from actress Jemima Kirke that I love, where she was asked for advice to give to young women struggling with confidence. Her response?
“We’re thinking about ourselves too much.”
And it went viral because she’s right.
We put so much pressure on ourselves to look perfect. And for who? It’s exhausting. We can lie and say it’s for ourselves, but most of the time, it’s for others. Whether it’s for acceptance, love, validation, or all of the above.
And the kicker? Those who truly love and accept us find our appearance the least interesting thing about us. We never see ourselves through the eyes of those who love us, even though we put so much value on our looks to find love. That’s one of life’s greatest ironies.
But then comes the tricky part: On the days I don’t feel perfect, when I need a boost but just can’t find it - what’s the solution? Surely it’s to just love myself, right?
Well shock horror, it’s not that easy.
And that’s exactly why Jemima’s advice went viral - because telling someone who doesn’t love their appearance to simply love it doesn’t work. It’s not a switch you can flip. It’s like telling someone with depression to “just cheer up” or telling an alcoholic to “just stop drinking.”
Our brains don’t have an off switch. If they did, the world would be a very different place.
So, what can we do?
There’s a concept called “body neutrality,” and when I first heard it, it instantly resonated with me.
“Body neutrality is a mindset that focuses on the functions and abilities of your body, rather than its appearance. It’s about appreciating what your body does for you, rather than obsessing over what it looks like.”
Because here’s the truth that your inner critic wants you to forget: your body is an extraordinary machine. It keeps you alive. It’s the home where all your memories live. It shelters your brain, which holds all of your favourite moments. It protects your heart, which swells when you see someone you love. It safeguards your eyes, which take in the beauty of the world, from art to nature to funny TikTok videos. It guards your voice and your laugh, the one your family and friends love to hear after a bad day.
Will you always like it? Probably not.
Much like my mum didn’t always like me when I’d ruin her day by being a little shit, you won’t always like the way your brain talks to you.
But should you take a deep breath, accept where you are, and know that your ultimate care for yourself will carry you through the bad days, until the better ones come? Absolutely.
Nothing is perfect and positive every second of every day. Not our mindset, not our actions, and not our outlook. So, when your brain throws a temper tantrum and stresses you out, don’t feel like you have to fake it. Breathe. Accept. Adapt. However long it takes. Because true love? It’s not about positive perfection - it’s about the commitment you made to always care.
— Lauren